Meryl Missing Vash
by Eden Evergreen
Summary: Vash is gone again, and Meryl ponders him and how she feels about him. Post-Lina. More Animeverse than Mangaverse, though aside from references to Anime-style flirtation, it should work for either version.


I do not own Trigun / Vash or Meryl

Mostly Anime-verse, though this should also work for Manga-verse. Chronologically, this would come awhile after the "Goodbye for Now" episode (or during Trigun Maximum and not the earlier Trigun manga).

Meryl's thoughts, while parted from Vash, after she realizes she's growing attached.

**Meryl Missing Vash**

You've gone away again.

I can picture you in my mind's eye, walking alone into the desert. It makes my heart ache.

How many times have you walked away alone? Hundreds? Thousands? Nobody seems to know how old you are. You look my age, but rumors about you extend back farther than that. Was your father also a "Vash the Stampede," and you walk in his footsteps?

I was warned that you are a lecher, a pervert, the worst kind of womanizer. At first, I was inclined to believe that. But now, after getting to know you, I see what you are doing.

In each town, you pick one lady to speak with. You flirt loudly and obnoxiously... not rudely, never that. But you sound just enough like a pick-up artist that any female with two brain cells to rub together would tell you to go away.

Although you appear crestfallen, you always accept "no" for an answer. You may call after her for a moment or two, but you never pursue her. Word quickly spreads, and none of the town's ladies will have anything to do with you.

That is not the way perverts or lechers behave. You do it on purpose, don't you? You do it to keep women away, and not to pursue one-night stands.

I sometimes wonder what you would do if one of the ladies you approached were to seem flattered, and welcome your intentionally awkward advances. Would you run away? I think that you would, you silly goof.

- Sigh -

I remember when Milly and I burst into your room, thinking you had been hurt, and saw you without a shirt on. Your immediate reaction was to try to cover your scars, and to blush. You said then that you didn't like girls to see your body.

Had any other woman, that wasn't a doctor or nurse, ever seen you incompletely clothed before that day? Or has your obnoxious flirting been successful in keeping them all away?

You never show any interest in approaching men romantically, either - not even as a joke. That is something of a relief... it means that I may have a chance.

Left to yourself, you seem to prefer the company of children. You never approach any of them in a pedophilic way. You just want to play among them, as one of them. If your voice hadn't deepened, and if I hadn't seen you unshaven, I might have guessed that you were an unusually tall boy.

You can be so idiotically silly at times, so overdramatically emotional. Yet you can also be very gentle and perceptive. You always notice a child who sits apart, and try to encourage that one to join the others.

You know how it feels to be lonely, don't you? From the way you reach out to the children, I'd guess that you don't want them to grow up to be as lonely as you are.

I can't help thinking how these qualities in you could make you a very good father.

You drift from town to town, never staying long, never sinking any roots. Do you have a home town? Did you ever have a home?

I see pain in your eyes, when you let your mask of silliness slip. In my heart, I know you are not the idiot you pretend to be. Is that something else you do, to keep the world at arm's length? Did someone hurt you so badly that you're afraid to let anyone close again?

You isolate yourself so severely. You say you should stay alone because you have enemies, and you don't want anyone else to get hurt. I have seen some of those enemies, so I must admit that you have a point.

I can't help wondering if you really want to be alone, though. Do you isolate yourself strictly to protect others?

I have seen that protectiveness in you, many times. You will risk your life to protect others, without hesitation.

Even your enemies - you will not kill them, no matter what they do. You disable them, if you must. You try to "talk them down" first unless they begin by shooting. And even then, if you can persuade them to stop, you will not harm them further. I have never before seen or heard of anyone who tries to protect even their enemies.

Some might think you're insane, but I see a method to your madness. I don't understand, but I can recognize a pattern when I see one. The truly mad are rarely so consistent.

I... have gotten used to you. When you're not around, my life feels empty. I keep catching myself thinking of you, worrying about you. I can't get you out of my mind.

Is it only that I see how lonely you are, and that I want to cure it? Is this merely pity?

No.

I think it is fair to say that we have become friends. Not just you and I, but also Milly and the preacher.

I want to imagine that you prefer me to Milly, but you seem to treat us mostly equally. Is it wrong in me, to feel disappointed every time I notice that? Should I let myself hope, or should I close my heart to you?

Since you came into my life, I'm not the same. I don't think I will ever be the same again.

Sometimes I miss who I was before I met you, but most times I think I'm learning things... not just about you, but also about life. I think that knowing you has made me into a better person than I was.

What would happen if I ever work up my courage to tell you that I feel more for you than friendship? Would you laugh at me, playing the uncomprehending fool? Or would I see your gentle side?

And would you be glad that I find myself reacting to you as a woman toward a man, or would it displease you? Would it frighten you?

I've seen you go into fights, and you seldom show fear. But then, you seldom show anything of how you feel, no matter what your feelings might be.

What shall I do? If I keep following you, I may grow fonder of you. If being around you would make me grow to dislike you, that would have happened before now.

I miss you, Vash the Stampede. This world would be a poorer place without you. I may never admit that where you or anyone else can hear it, but it is what I feel in my heart.

Who are you?

Do you only think of me as a friend? Or is there even a possibility that one day, you might feel toward me as I feel toward you? Have you ever thought of me as a woman?

It hurts when you're gone. I miss you when you're gone. The two years when nobody knew where you were, or even if you were still alive, were the longest and worst in my life. I don't like the way I felt then. I don't want to feel that way again.

If I don't follow you, will you come back to me?

It's my job to follow you. You tell me to stay away, for my own safety. I tried, but I couldn't. My heart wouldn't let me, not then.

I don't think my heart will permit me to let you go now, either. I must find you.

For now, at least, it's better to be your friend than not to know you at all.


End file.
